Now that I have your attention… ok, I will wait for you to stop wretching…

*Jeopardy theme plays in the background*

Done yet? Good.  *Ahem*  Sorry I did that to you, but it’s been so long, I needed SOMEthing to get y’all’s attention.  Personally, I think ol’ Sarah has a perfect face for radio… or snuff films..

I suck.  It has been over a year since my last post.  I actually started to write up a post back in MAY (!), but I ran out of steam, time, and ambition in the middle of typing.  Add to that a crazy work and home life, numerous computer failures, and we get to where we are today. January 2012.  Rock Your World Brewing Co., is still very much alive.  Sometimes, though, life and family need to take precedence over beer (I know;  I shock even myself with that).

A quick synopsis of 2011:  life-wise it sucked a fat one.  Brewing-wise, it was “meh”.  I didn’t meet my brewing goals, and to be honest, I haven’t really had much true desire to brew or even maintain the batches in progress.  I will get to explaining that more at a later date when I finish that post from last May (it will be only minorly edited for the correct timeframe).

2012 will be the year to turn things around.  I need to.  After all if Sarah Palin really does perform a nude review it truly will be the end of days.  Until that eye-melting sight occurs, though, we will be once again regaling you with brewing exploits.  I may even go back on my word and rant about those Keg Lines schmoes as they once again continue to slog through the world of beer mediocrity and misinformation.

Brew well, drink better, steady your pet and pet your steady.

Jeremy

Bah humbug!  With the exception of giving present to our children, I have come to despise the Americanized institution of the Yuletide holiday season.

I see Christmas decorations in stores starting before Labor Day…

I have to listen to umpteen versions of holiday messages on company automated phone systems….

Likewise, I hear holiday music piped into every store…..

Whatever happened to the Christmas holiday season starting the Friday immediately after Thanksgiving?  Why do I need to see fake Christmas trees in my frickin’ grocery store before Fall has officially commenced?… when I am still wearing shorts and tank tops on a regular basis?

If it weren’t for the fact that we have 3 young kids that expect the fat guy in red with hypertension and heart disease to come bring them presents… I would totally be fine with not doing Christmas at all….

Unless any of you, Constant Reader, might have bought me a conical fermenter or a kegging system…. Hey, I am American.  I am allowed my materialistic lifestyle, am I not?

Listen, it’s been a while since I have posted here.  I know that I suck, and you all are patiently  awaiting my posts on a near-weekly basis.  I will be backfilling some brewday write-ups.  As with everything else, real life has gotten in the way since August.

We were able to squeak out a brewday today.  My aim was for an Irish Red ale based on the original Potato Famine Ale.  I made some changes to the recipe as I was buying my ingredients.  This brew-day was very much off-the-cuff and unplanned.  As I mentioned in the weekly “Who’s brewing what” thread on BeerAdvocate… this batch will either be spectacular, or it will taste like a bag of ass.  Either way, I was fine with the result because it meant I got to brew.

As mentioned, the original recipe is here.  What I ended up brewing yesterday was the following:

For 5.25 gallons:

• 6 lbs Maris Otter
• 2lbs Weyermann Smoked malt
• 1 lb Weyermann Vienna
• 1lb British Pale Malt
• 1lb Mild Malt
• 1lb Cara-Amber Malt
• 1/2lb Medium Crystal Malt (40*L)
• 1/4lb Cara-Aroma Malt
• 1 oz Black Patent
• Mashed at 158*F for an hour

Cutting it close with 7 gallons of boil in a 7.5 gallon kettle

I had a difficult time deciding what to do for the hops with this batch.  On the one hand, I could do for replication of the original recipe and use Fuggles… On the other hand, I have a freezer full (literally) of homegrown Willamettes and Nuggets.  I decided to be thrifty and use the Willamettes:

• 1/2oz Willamette whole hops (5.5%AA) added during the sparge
• 1oz Willamette whole hops (5.5%AA) added at 60 minutes
• 1/2oz Willamette whole hops (5.5%AA) added at 15 minutes
• 2oz Willamette whole hops added incrementally starting at 5 minutes left through flameout
• Yeast used was WYeast 1084 Irish Ale.

This brewday went very quick and easy.  I managed to have the beer in the carboy in just over 4 hours after starting the mash.  I am pretty sure that the sparge went quicker than preferred.  It did not hurt efficiency for the batch, which was a very acceptable 73%, but I probably could have had closer to 80% had I slowed the flow rate a bit.

As for my prediction on BeerAdvocate that this would be spectacular or “taste like a bag of ass”… the gravity sample holds great promise for a nice, malty beer.  My only complaint overall is that the color did not turn out red like I wanted it to, but rather more of a burnt brown.  If that is the worst this beer has to offer, I will be in good shape.

I plan to use the yeast cake from this batch in a dry stout in a few weeks.  Getting into the holiday season, I won’t have many chances to brew, but at this point, we only need to brew three more batches to make the 100 gallon mark for the year. (One of these years, we will hit the full 200 gallon limit, but I think that will take some equipment upgrades, or winning the lottery).

I have come to the conclusion that our group is officially old.  This past weekend, we hosted an annual summer party at our place.  A few things about this annual party.

• It is usually are our friends, Joel and Carrie’s place.

• We historically consume gross amounts of beer over the course of three days.

This year was different, as the party was different because it was hosted at Chez Belair, and while we did consume quite a few bottles of beer, it was nowhere near as legendary as prior fêtes… We have all grown a bit older, and wiser, and whereas as early as 8 years ago there would be drunken half naked Joel’s running around, now we have a bunch of screaming kids underfoot.

• Gone are the games of Beirut until 2AM.
• Gone are the parties that start on Thursday and go until early Sunday morning and burn through 3 1/2 kegs,  5 cubes of Genny Light, and untold pitchers of “Joel-garitas” (if you have never had one of Joel’s Margaritas, your liver will thank you… but damn, are they good…)
• Gone are the days when the last guests to arrive are the Chosen Ones who are sent back out to find a store still open and selling beer with a hastily assembled wad of random dollars and beer soaked quarters.
• Gone are the days of me deflating the air mattress and passing out in a drunken puddle just inside the tent
• Gone are the nights of me having rambling drunken conversations with our faithful brew-dog, Roscoe….

OK, I might still do those last two on occasion.

Now, we respectfully taste homebrewed offerings of guests and hosts.  We describe aromas and flavors and head retention.  We debate whether the beer we are tasting fits the style guidelines by which the homebrewer intends to name the beer.

• Now we (beer) geek out.

• Now we remember (most) of the night.

• Now we enjoy morning conversation the day after, rather than stumble around the kitchen looking for the last cup in the coffee pot and the last strip of greasy bacon.

For the record, we went through a “meager” 4 cases of homebrew and micro-brews this year.

• I had some very yummy offerings from our buddy Al in Binghamton (his ESB is pretty damned spot in all but aroma, which is a touch too “American”… call it an American Pale as is).
• My Two Hearted Ale Clone from the Binghamton Chronicles brewday was also quite tasty, though it ended up over-efficient, over-attenuated, and a touch over-hopped.
• Tony also brought some tasty offerings, and I think his Dubbel is coming into its own and will be fantastic in another month or two.
• I also had occasion to enjoy a St. Louis Gueze Fond Tradition from Castle Brewery van Honsebrouck, in Belgium….mmmm…funky Belgian beer…

A good time was had by all.  I am still in awe, though, over the transformation our group has undergone within the last 5 or 6 years.

We have evolved.

We, I suppose, have grown and matured as individuals, and beer consumers and brewers,  and also as friends and family….

And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I shall start this post with a song in honor of both Canada Day and the 4th of July:

“Oh Canada,

Your bacon’s really ham.

Your beer is watered down, and tastes no better canned.”

…that’s all I got on that one.

So, this weekend is when we Americans celebrate those things that make our country great.  By this I mean that we get a day off of work, gorge ourselves on processed meat that has been cooked over a fire created by burning a fossil fuel while drinking to excess in the blazing sun with our fat American bellies hang over our belt line.  Then, once we have had our fill of fake meat and have consumed enough alcohol to make an elephant legally drunk, we will blow shit up.  Good times.

Oh, and we will celebrate the birth of something… what was it now?  Oh yeah, the birth of our nation, indivisible under <insert deity of choice here>, with Liberty and Justice for all, and remember the sacrifices of our founding fathers to provide us with the freedoms that we all enjoy.

Enough of that though.  This is a beer website, and I have some brewing news.

This past week, the timeline hit for me to have to bottle the Chocolate-coconut Porter.  This was the first beer we brewed back on May 23rd.  As you may recall, the second beer of that brewday  met an unfortunate end.  The first beer (the porter) has had a very fine life so far.  The yeast took a bit to kick off fermentation, but otherwise, there were no issues.  We brewed on May 23rd, and the beer sat in primary until June 6th, when I racked it over to secondary on top of the 5oz of Cocoa nibs and 4oz of organic unsweetened coconut shavings.  To prepare the coconut, I spread it out on a cookie sheet and toasted it for 45 minutes in the oven at 275*F.  Every 5 minutes, I stirred the coconut around on the sheet to ensure an even toast and also to keep it from burning.  The toasting was to serve two purposes:  First, toasting will intensify the flavor and aroma.  Raw coconut, especially when unsweetened, is actually pretty bland.  Second, I was hoping that toasting the coconut would cook out some of the natural oils and fat content.  I had some concern that those things would hinder head retention as well as provide rancidity due to break down of the fatty acids.

We did a three week secondary with the cocoa nibs and coconut, and bottled this past Monday.  I was quite happy with the gravity sample.  This beer ended exactly where I wanted it to with a final specific gravity of 1.013.  The cocoa nibs really are shining the spotlight in this beer.  The coconut just barely shows itself in the nose, and is nearly absent in the flavor.  Next time, I think we will double the amount of coconut used.  I have high expectations that this beer will be a hit at the club meeting on July 14th.

This holiday weekend, we have a few things planned.  Saturday, we will be travelling to lovely and rustic Newark, NY, to spend the day with Tony, Colleen, and Tony’s family.  It will be fun in the sun with good people, good beer, yummy food, and of course…. explosives.  Sunday and Monday are fairly open.  I think I shall have to brew our house beer:  Gentlemen Prefer a Blonde/ Scream Queen.  (Oh yeah, Stacie… I want to brew this weekend. mhuah!).  I sadly do not have any special beers purchased to toast the holiday.  Maybe I will have to pick up a Sierra Nevada 30th bottle.

Here is hoping that all of you have a safe and happy July 4th.  What do any of you have planned, and what yummy beers will you be enjoying?

I am proud to announce  that, by unanimous decision, I am the undisputed champeen President of the Upstate New York Homebrewer’s Association for 2010 *cue Rocky music*.

I have a couple of cool things I would like to have the club do  in the coming year, or at least get the ball rolling towards having said things occur in the future.  It will be a fun time for all (no matter how crazy Tony thinks I am for doing this), and I am looking forward to getting right into the fray.  I don’t want to get too far into my plans or ideas here,  as this particular site is not entirely the proper forum for such things.  Just know that I have some good stuff rolling around in the large void between my ears.  As things get in the planning stages and whatnot, I will be sure to update, but for now it is neither the time, nor the place.

OK, so now that that is out of the way, do we all remember these guys?  This week marked another of their forays into beer journalism.  As many of you can tell by the lack of vitriol,  though, this article did not pertain to homebrewing.  Rather, this week’s article dealt with beer festivals.  To be completely honest, I really have no major issues with the article this week.

Actually, I will take that back.  I DO have an issue with the article this week.  Not with the content itself, but rather what it is lacking: that English Bitter recipe.

Let’s face it, we’ve  been hoodwinked.  They promised to not only guide us through the homebrewing process, but also the equipment and ingredient requirements necessary to brew an English Bitter.  So, what gives, Adam and Bryan?  I can only assume that one of two things happened:

1. They were limited to three articles on the homebrewing process, and were too verbose in the first two articles to complete the series and give the reading public what was promised.
2. They read blogs like mine, or have received many outraged emails detailing the failings of their tutorial and simply threw their hands to the sky in exasperation and futility.

OK, my arguments this week are very feeble.  Like I said, I really have no issue with their recommendations for how to enjoy a beer festival.  The only point I would probably broach is that they did not mention is the idea of doing a beer review based off of a festival pour.  My thoughts are quite simply, don’t do it.

Look, generally, if you are going to review a beer, you have a 12oz “sample” in front of you.  It is very difficult to adequately review a beer based off of a 2oz pour.  With a full 12 ounces, you can more fully experience the beer as it warms from serving temperature until the entire beer is gone.  As the beer warms, you will experience changes in aroma and flavor that are simply not present in a 2oz  pour that is very easily “shot” so your glass is empty for the next sample.  If you want to review beer that you drink at a festival, go about it this way:

• find the brewery that has piqued your interest and ask if they have any new releases or “festival only” beers on tap
• if it is a new release, ask if it has hit store shelves yet, and request this as your sample.  If you dig the sample, make a note of it and purchase a more suitable reviewing sized bottle at your local beer or grocery store.
• if there is a “festival only” beer, request that as your sample, and if the line behind you permits, request another sample when the first is finished. If you feel the need to revisit the beer later, head back to that booth and get a third sample.  It still won’t be a full serving size (12oz), but you will have a much better feel for the beer after a couple of samples than if you base everything on a 2oz  “shooter”.
• Don’t be “THAT GUY” that stands in the middle of everything plugging your review into Beer Advocate on your iPhone.  If you insist on writing notes down on festival-only brews, wait until you get home to upload them onto your computer.
• Realize that very often breweries will not send THE brewer to a beer festival.  While there are exceptions to this, it is very often a brewery rep or an intern that is at the taps.  And technically, in NY, brewery reps and employees are not allowed to actually pour the beer.  This is why you see so many people walking around in “Volunteer” shirts.  Stupid Draconian alcohol laws.
• Brewers are not impressed when beer geeks ask how many IBUs are in a particular beer, or when you (the all-knowing beer geek and self-righteous homebrewer) suggest that they use a different variety of hops.  And again, most often it is not the brewer behind the counter but a rep or an intern that will look at you like the RCA dog as you spout off technical data that makes no sense to the beer you are talking about….the only thing more sad than a sad midget clown is a drunk beer snob that thinks they know how a professional brewer should do their job.

That’s about all I have on this one. Like I said, it was pretty much a cut-and-dry article this week.  I would actually like to take a moment to display a rare moment of humble-ocity (yeah, it is a word, I just wrote it on the internet so it has to be true!!!!) and say that I harbor no ill feelings towards the Keg Lines guys.  Hey, anyone that is willing to write about beer in a newspaper and try to advocate for its movement away from the “unsophisticated man’s” drink deserves at least 1 thumb up in my book.  So they got some stuff wrong, it really isn’t the end of the world.

As the new President of UNYHA, I am sure that I will be having some correspondence with Adam and Bryan at some point.  Heck, I will even step right out and offer for them to join us at a club meeting if they are not already members of the club  (2nd Weds of every month at 7:30, Merchants St. Bar and Grill 2nd floor).

Yep, that’s it.  I’ve got nothing more.  I plan to brew this Sunday for Father’s Day (…oh yeah.  Hey Stacie, I am brewing on Father’s Day. Thanks,  love you!).  I am not completely decided on what I will be brewing.  I really want that IPA to get brewed, but I also owe a batch of Hippy Bro Nut Brown Ale to a friend.  Perhaps I will get to pull two batches out in one day.

Stay tuned for the fun-filled description of events yet to transpire.

For previous articles, please see: A rant and farewell to my computer and Is this really how you brew???

Once again, I was hoping it wouldn’t happen.  I awoke this morning with a gnawing, burning feeling deep in the pit of my stomach.

It was Tuesday.

It was time for the bi-weekly “Keg Lines” article in the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle.

I was willing to actually give this week a fair shake when I first read the article.  Firstly, they were supposed to be writing about what equipment is needed and how to brew an English Bitter, as mentioned at the end of their last article.  Fantastic!  It’s pretty difficult to screw up kettles and fermenters and sanitation and how to brew what is most likely a beer kit that involves no weighing of the sugar… sorry, grain, hops, or yeast.

Second, when I first read the article this morning I was not even close to fully awake.  These damned long weekends with their wall-to-wall sunshine and seemingly endless consumption of that liquid elixir we all love (that would be beer if you aren’t keeping track) really take their toll on a person.  I was happy to be in the office for at least 8 hours of peace and quiet, but I digress…

My point is, my brain was not yet firing on that crucial 4th cylinder.  I felt like a vintage Volkswagen bus climbing a 2% grade.  I was not ready to view the world yet.  I was in a kind and forgiving mood.

I was forced to read the article a second time at lunch, after Joel and Tony expressed astonishment that I had not yet become a raving lunatic.

Once again, I shook my head.  Then I felt the bile rise up my gullet and was forced to stifle the shrill screams of one that has just been raped from the inside out…. My brain hurt once again.

Let’s deconstruct this decomposing pile of “journalism”:

• First and foremost, you’ll need to make sure everything is as clean as possible.

Ok, there isn’t much I can complain about here.  Cleanliness is very important in brewing.  I would argue that anything used for brewing before the boil (mash tuns and paddles) or during the boil (kettles, hop bags and brew spoons) need only be not coated with crap from the prior brew.  Anything used to touch or contain the beer after the boil (funnels, strainers and fermenters, bottling buckets, wine thieves/turkey basters, tubing and clamps… oh and bottles and caps as well) needs to be sanitized.  More on this in 3…2…1…

• Hot, soapy water generally does the trick, although folks sometimes add a small amount of chlorine to the water as a disinfectant.

Good, sweet 8 lb, 7oz Baby Jesus!  If you look towards the moon this evening, you will plainly see my head orbiting our planet’s sole rocky satellite.  Here is the deal:

1. Soap is what is known as a “head killer”.  Unless very thoroughly rinsed off with tap water that is commonly thought of as “not sanitary enough for brewing”, left-over soap scum will kill the head retention on your beer quicker than ants under a magnifying glass.
2. The only “soap” I use in any of my equipment is the occasional 24 hour soak in PBW or OxyClean Free.  Even then, I only use these on my fermenters and rinse the bejeebus out of them.
3. Uh.. chlorine is already added to tap water as a “disinfectant”… they mean that some people add Clorox bleach to the water.  This is not a good idea unless you use the proper concentration to avoid…

• While this (ed: adding chlorine) is perfectly safe with proper rinsing, you run the risk of creating a beer that smells like your swimming pool.

A very slight redemption for our local jesters, Adam Travis and Bryan Clutz. I really have no qualm with this particular claim.  I erroneously once used a too-strong solution of bleach water and then did not rinse adequately.  I ended up with 5.25 gallons of a beautifully clear Blonde ale that tasted and smelled like the local YMCA pool.  I forced every last bottle of that batch down my gullet to teach myself a lesson…. and no, I did not drink them all at once.

• Several homebrewing supply companies make a sanitizer that does the job without contributing off flavors or smells.

Great!  Perhaps in your research you might have actually, you know, written down what these sanitizing products might be? Exactly what pieces of equipment need to be sanitized?  To fill in the gaps for these two yahoos:

1. You will need to sanitize any equipment that will come into contact with the wort after boiling, and after it ferments into beer.  This includes (but may not be limited to): Racking canes and tubing, funnels, strainers, wine thief/turkey baster, your fermenter, bottling buckets, bottles, bottle caps, hose clamps/shutoff clamps, Airlocks and bungs/stoppers…
2. Iodophor is an Iodine based sanitizing product that is a true “no rinse” sanitizer.  One capful of the sanitizer is added to 5 gallons of cool water.  The recommended contact time for this solution is 3 minutes, and after mixing with water it will remain effective for about 24 hours.
3. Star San is an acid-based sanitizer that is also a true “no rinse” product.  1 oz of Star San mixed into 5 gallons of water will only require a 1 minute contact time to thoroughly sanitize your fermenter.  A mixed solution of Star San can be retained and will be effective until the pH rises above 3.0.  This sanitizer will create a good amount of foam as you are pouring water on top of it, and dumping the solution out of your fermenter or bottling bucket.
4. Acidified bleach solution.  This was promoted as the most effective sanitizer a while back.  The story here is that a straight-up bleach and water solution is too high in pH to be truly effective (around pH=12 I seem to remember).  In order to bring this down to a more acceptable range, it is mixed with an acidifying agent… most commonly White Vinegar.  In order to avoid making Mustard Gas in your bathroom or kitchen, this should be mixed as follows:

• add 1/4cup bleach into the empty vessel to be sanitized
• pour 5 gallons of cold water into the vessel to fully mix the bleach in
• add 1/4cup White Vinegar and mix well.

Sanitation should occur within 10 to 20 minutes, which is quite a bit longer than either Star San or Iodine-based solutions.  The advantage to acidified bleach, however is that it will kill damned near anything that is in your fermenter/bucket, or anything that you place in there for ancillary sanitation.  A very good article that is referenced on numerous brewing forums was actually originally published by the American Society of MicroBiology.

Moving on now:

• First, you’ll need a large brew kettle that holds at least 5 gallons. We recommend a stainless steel stock pot. Do yourself a favor and buy a high quality one;

Actually, do yourself a favor and buy yourself not only a 5 gallon kettle, but also a larger kettle.  Even better, buy a 5 gallon kettle along with a turkey fryer kit that will come with a burner and a 7.5 gallon kettle.  This will allow you to perform a full wort boil of between 6 and 7 gallons, and thus increase the efficiency of your hops (and lower the amount of hops needed, which = more money for beer!!!)  Let’s face it; this is a hobby, and like all hobbies, we will always be upgrading our equipment, tailoring it to our needs.  You will want that 7.5 gallon kettle eventually, just buy it at the beginning.

• A good thermometer is also essential. If your wort is too hot when you add the yeast in, you could kill it.

This is very true.  However, long before you get to pitching the yeast (the ever so technical step above of “add the yeast in”), you need to make sure that any grain that you steep or mash remains within a particular temperature range commonly held to not exceed 170°F.  To allow your grains to broach this temperature, or even to boil, will extract harsh mouth-puckering tannin astringency that will NOT age out of your beer no matter how much yeast you add, living or dead.

• Next you’ll need a fermenter. … for your first batch, you’ll be just fine with two large buckets and tight-fitting lids. One bucket will be used for the primary fermentation, the second for the secondary fermentation before bottling.

Again, this is largely true.  In the grand scheme of things, though, you will not often require a bucket or carboy for a secondary fermentation.  A majority of beer styles just do not require a secondary, and to use them at this stage as a very new brewer — before your processes and sanitation procedures are second nature — is to invite oxidized beer or an infection.  Standard strength ales (alcohol content of 2-6% abv) don’t need a secondary.  Lager, Pale Ales, IPAs, and fruit beers will need a secondary, as will high alcohol brews such as Barleywine, Imperial Stouts, and many of the e’er popular Belgian styles.

• Some of the more serious homebrewers out there invest in a wort chiller, a coil of copper tubing that connects to your sink and uses cold water to cool the wort as it’s transferred to the fermenter.

What they describe here in the mechanics is an Immersion style wort chiller.  Then they explain how a Counterflow wort chiller works.  Semantics, I know, but it sounds scary to a new brewer that you have to chill your beer AS it is being transferred to the fermenter.

1. An Immersion wort chiller is a coil of copper (some are Stainless Steel) that is placed inside the boiling kettle to chill the wort.  One end of the chiller connects to the sink or garden hose.  The other end is the effluent side, which is allowed to flow either down the drain or onto the ground, or for the more eco-friendly brewer, this water is reclaimed for cleaning and sanitation operations or even for the next brew (if you are brewing back-to-back batches).
2. A counter flow wort chiller involved snaking uncoiled copper into a garden hose.  The wort is pumped through the copper in one direction and into the waiting (and sanitized!!!) fermenter, while cold water is run through the hose in the opposite direction.  This style of chiller could be used in a gravity-fed manner, though it is simplified and more brewer-friendly if food grade pumps are used to push the wort through the copper.

• Unless you’re using a fancier fermenter with some sort of spigot or filling nozzle, you’ll want to pick up a bottle bucket and a bottle filler

The “Fancier fermenter” they would be referring to would be a ported Better Bottle.  I am a big fan of Better Bottles. They are lightweight plastic, mainly oxygen impermeable, and allow you the chance to see your beer as it ferments.  I am not a fan of the ported models, as I feel the spigot and racking accessory is horribly overpriced.

I also don’t understand the need for a bottle filler.  Simpler is better, IMHO.  The bottle filler (more commonly known as an Autosiphon) is apparently the way that brewers fill their bottles when they neither understand how basic Physics works, nor how to operate a tubing clamp.  Siphons are easy to start by oneself; you just place the fermenter or bottling bucket on a chair, fill your racking cane and tubing assembly with water, cover one end, close the clamp on the other, place the racking cane end in the beer-filled vessel, open the clamp and place the other end either in the bottling bucket or bottle to be filled.  We don’t need a special gadget with hard to clean internal areas to do it for us.  You can see through the glass of a beer bottle; simply watch the level of beer fill and close the tubing clamp just as the beer reaches the top lip of the bottle.  Now cap the bottle and move on to the next.

• Finally, if you’re really serious about your brew, consider having labels made. There’s a number of websites out there that print customized labels for homebrewers.

Or, you know, use MSPaint and MSWord along with Google Image Search (depending on what you want on the label, turn “Safe Search” to off…)… Or, if you are a little more computer or design savvy, download The Gimp and you can create some rocking designs yourself.

• With Father’s Day just around the corner,

Uh oh.  I think I know what’s coming…

• consider getting Dad a ready-to-use homebrew kit,

Please, please, please!!!! Let them be talking about one of the start kits at Northern Brewer..

• available at many local retailers and online.

I know this isn’t where they are going, but how about a shout out to Beers of the World (new website with a homebrewing section!!!!, btw) or Sunset Hydroponics as local retailers?

I promised myself I wouldn’t cuss.  I promised myself I wouldn’t cry… talk amongst yourselves….. Should we elect Obama to a 2nd term when he is seen in public drinking Coors Light? Discuss…

• Adam started out homebrewing in college using a Mr. Beer homebrew kit, and produced some delicious brews, 2½ gallons at a time…

God Damnit!!! Who the frakkin’ HELL in their right frakkin’ mind would recommend this shitty “system” to new brewers that want to actually brew!  Jesus jumped up Christ! This is like telling someone they can recreate an Emeril Lagasse recipe with a Easy Bake oven!  For the love of all that is good and right in this world, the Mr. Beer kits don’t even instruct you to BOIL the damned wort!!!

Look, go ahead and buy a Mr. Beer kit. Then take the nasty-ass stale f’d-up ingredients and throw them right the Hell out.  Now, go out and buy real Malt Extract (Light or extra light), real hops, and boil a 2.5 gallon batch, cool to yeast pitching temperature, and pitch in a WYeast smack pack, or White Labs vial, or a sachet of Fermentis or Safale dry yeast.

• The most important part of homebrewing is having fun. Relax, experiment, and be prepared for failure. Adam has a bacon-flavored porter in the fermenter

Yes, homebrewing is all about relaxing, experimenting, having fun and appreciating the best hobby ever.  Yes, also be prepared for some failures here and there…. Be especially prepared if the only reading you do about homebrewing is from the Keg Lines articles.

Bacon beer seems to be the “new thing”.  Everyone has their super hyped up IPA with 10 quadrillion IBUs and has been freeze-distilled to 190 proof these days (Brewdog, I am looking at you! ).  Bacon beer, for that matter CAN be done, but you have to prepare the bacon in just the right manner to extract as much of the fat before adding it to the beer…otherwise you have a flat, rancid, rotten waste of good beer and even better bacon.  That is a crime punishable by death in 16 states and at least one province in Canada.  Do I wish them luck in this particular endeavor?  Sure, I want everyone to succeed in their homebrewing exploits.  Do I have any confidence that it will work out? Uhm, have you been following the homebrewing articles these guys are writing?

• Samuel Adams Boston Lager went from the kitchen experiment to World Beer Cup winner in just a few weeks.

Well, shit, I must be doing this whole thing wrong then.  I’ve been brewing since 2005.  Something tells me that Boston Lager took just a smidge longer to win the WBC than just a few weeks.  Hell, it takes at least 3 months just to get approval from the TTB… and that is if you have all the proper information to submit the first time!

Oh, and whatever happened to that English Bitter recipe they promised?  The supreme amount of suck in their article this week must have taken that part right out of their memory banks.

It appears that this will be their last homebrewing related article.  It really is too bad, as I really, truly want to give these guys a chance and see them redeem themselves.  I guess in the end, though, we will have to wait another two weeks and see what gems Adam and Bryan have in store for us then.

In the meantime, please rest assured that my blood pressure registered a very safe 101/67 with a pulse of 75 at one of those pressure test things at the neighborhood Wegmans.

Ah, Memorial Day…the greatest weekend in this racing fan’s year. This year the Holy Trifecta of Monaco, Indy 500, and the Charlotte 600 has been changed a bit; Monaco has been replaced by the Turkish Grand Prix. A minor technicality that I’ll let slip…

But that’s not the point here, folks. The point is this: what do you drink on this glorious occasion? What do you have with your slow-smoked barbecue (baby-back) ribs? Well, this year we’ve got a full stock of beers to try:

• Harpoon Glacier Harvest Wet Hop Ale (2009)
• Harpoon Helles Blond Bock
• Harpoon Island Creek Oyster Stout
• Val-Dieu Blond
• Trade Route Brewing Co. Ginger Pale Ale
• Great Divide Hercules Double IPA
• Piraat Ale
• Brooklyn Sorachi Ace
• Smuttynose Maibock
• Long Trail Coffee Stout
• Southern Tier Mocha
• Horseheads Brewing Chocolate Porter

My wife and I have a nice relaxing weekend of good food and libations planned. This will be a weekend for ourselves and we hope to thoroughly enjoy it!

And, as a side note: I plan on transferring my Belgian Dubbel to secondary this weekend, as well.

The next installment of “Keg Lines” in the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle will be this coming Tuesday.

Will they get it right this time?

Will my head actually explode at the immense levels of misinformation that they espouse?

Should I see my family care doctor for scripts  for blood pressure medication and Valium?

Only  time will tell. Stay tuned

For related articles in this series, please see: A rant and farewell to my computer and Bi-weekly rant on the Democrat & Chronicle

I did not want to read the paper today.  I knew deep within my bones that doing so would raise my blood pressure to near-fatal stroke levels.  You see, it has been two weeks since the last “Keg Lines” article ran in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle.  I posted a pretty lengthy rant about the inconsistencies within the “How to Get Into Homebrewing” article.  The authors left the end of the article fairly open ended, as there is a lot of information to cover.  This week, they were to cover the possible ingredients that one can use to brew beer at home.  There are only four main ingredients.  How badly could they possibly screw it up, right?

I broke down and read today’s “Keg Lines” installment after brewing cohort Joel walked into my office shaking his head in disbelief.  He knew I had not read it straight away, as my ears had not yet turned red and neither was I convulsing in fits of rage.

Did you know that if you /facepalm while shaking your head that you run the risk of breaking your own nose?  Yeah, this was that bad.  So, following the postulation/retort format from last week, here we go:

• Sugar plus hops, yeast and water equals beer

This is not good. This is the title of the article, and already I am enraged. Really, really enraged.  I can see poor college kids already buying Fleischmann’s cake yeast and table sugar at Wegmans and an ounce of hops from one of the local homebrew shops that still remain unnamed in the article, throwing it in an empty unwashed milk jug and wondering why it tastes of toe jam, vomit, and apple cider.

Let me say this now.  Beer utilizes four main ingredients: hops, water, yeast and MALT!!!

• …there are four basic ingredients that are widely accepted as being necessary to make beer: sugar (mostly created from malted barley), hops, yeast and water.

Yeah, they try to redeem themselves here.  It does not work, frankly.  Yes, it is true that malted barley is the premier grain used in the the production of beer.  However, other malted grains are commonly used, which fall into the whole “Malt” category.  These would be Rye, Wheat, and Oats.

Other nonmalted grains are often used as well for flavor, head retention, and to lighten the body.  These would include unmalted versions of barley, wheat, Oats, Maize (some call it corn), and rice.

The “sugar” that these guys are trying to convey are the maltose that is extracted from the aforementioned grains through a process called mashing.  Without getting too in-depth, this involves steeping or soaking malted and crushed grains in water at a temperature between 140°F and 165°F for a prescribed length of time.  This steeping process will allow enzymes within the grains to convert the internal starches within the grains from starch into fermentable sugars (maltose) and less fermentable sugars (maltodextrins).  The more maltose present at the end of the mashing process, the more fermentable the beer will be.  Increased Maltodextrin (less fermentable) sugar chains present at the end of the mash, the more body and residual sweetness will be in the finished beer.

• Malts, as well as several of the ingredients we discuss in this column, are available to order online or at some local stores around town…

Really??  We have local stores that sell homebrewing supplies? What are their names, and where might they be located? Are there any such stores in nearby cities that might also carry homebrewing supplies?  Remember, think globally, buy locally.  Rochester’s economy won’t better itself without some help.  After all, you are the same guys that plug High Falls/Genessee every chance you get…with honorable mentions to Custom Brewcrafters, and even fewer instances where you even mutter the name of seminal local craft brewery: Rohrbach, are you not?

You are leaving new brewers with incomplete and inadequate information with which to start on their quest to this great hobby.

• Beers of the World is probably the best known homebrew supply shop within the Rochester metro area.  The guys there are super helpful, and they are willing to order special grains for you if you need something they do not carry, and you give them adequate time.
• Sunset Hydroponics is an up-and-comer in the homebrewing arena.  Their selection is pretty similar to Beers of the World, though they have the added bonus of allowing partial pound ordering of grains. They also have a grain mill in store for you to grind your grains there, should you not have a mill at home.  Their primary focus is still the hydroponics business, and their brewing knowledge might not be quite up to snuff, but they are trying.
• Niagara Tradition Homebrew Supply in Buffalo is a nice little shop that packs a truckload of ingredients, supplies and other odds and ends into a tiny shop.  I’ve been to their retail location a couple of times, and was impressed with the overall friendly atmosphere, selection and helpfulness shown towards an average schmoe off the streets (me).  I believe they also extend the 10% discount for UNYHA members, though you would have to visit in person or phone in your order to take advantage.

See?  That wasn’t difficult to do, was it?  My credibility has not suffered.  I am not selling out to corporate interest.  I am attempting to help those businesses that can best help us become brewers.

• Hops tend to be quite bitter, so this works nicely to add flavor and aroma to the beer.

• …there are several choices for hops that will give a beer a distinct flavor and aroma.

So, bitter is a flavor and aroma now?  Bitter is perceived on the tongue, though it is more of a mouthfeel…. You feel your tongue react to bitterness more than you actually taste bitter.

Here’s the straight poop:  Hops are added at various times throughout the boiling process that occurs after mashing and straining the grains.  The longer that the hops are in the boiling wort (beer without yeast), the more bitterness that is extracted from them.  Beer is generally boiled for 60 to 90 minutes. Hops added at the start of the boil will provide a majority of your bitterness.  This is due to many of the delicate flavor and aroma components being driven off by the extended boiling process.  Flavor and aroma are controlled by delicate oils and chemicals within the hop flower, and are very volatile in the sense that they are destroyed easily.

If you were to add hops with between 30 to 10 minutes left in the boil, you will extract a majority of your hop flavor.  You will also extract some bittering properties, however, this bitterness extraction is not as efficient as if the same hops were added at the beginning.

Hops added between 10 and 0 minutes left in the boil will also provide flavor, and lessening bitterness.  Their main advantage is the extraction of aroma compounds to the beer.  The more hops that you add during this time period, the more citrusy, spicy and even piney your beer will smell.

Every hop variety has its own strengths as to which component it would be best contributing to your beer.  Some varieties are multi-purpose, some are best at simply bittering, and still others are prized for the aroma or flavor they will provide.  The hop variety data book at Hop Union is a fantastic reference point for what hops will work best for a particular style, what hops you can use in a particular variety’s place, and other notes and average data for that variety.

• We recommend that you always boil the water you are going to use for homebrewing to rid it of any chlorine or other unwanted chemicals.

Let’s not get the cart before the horse here.  Check with your local water authority, and ask for a current report of your tap water.  If you are on a well, you should get your water tested, especially if you think Iron is present (Iron will make your beer taste like blood, which I cannot imagine is even remotely palatable).  Homebrewing reference books will be able to help a moderately inclined homebrewer modify their water chemistry with the use of certain brewing salts, such as Gypsum, in order to get the proper chemistry.

If you are truly concerned, simply buy distilled or Reverse Osmosis water from a local retailer, and use your homebrewing reference books and published tables of famous brewing water (Munich, Edinburgh, Rochester) to “build” your water up from scratch.

• Porters are much darker and have roasted barley, which gives it a smoky smell and taste.

Um…yeah.  This is an ongoing debate on many homebrewing forums, so I won’t beat them up too much on the inclusion of roasted barley in a porter.  One camp in the debate claims that it is not a porter unless it uses Black Patent malt.  Another camp will state that if the beer contains roasted barley, then it is automatically a stout.  The last camp are the non-style oriented and will tell you that the beer is whatever the hell the brewer wants to call it.  I am not aligned firmly with any particular argument.

Oh, and too much roasted barley will make your beer taste like a wet ashtray.  I guess that would be a smoky smell and taste, though not one I strive for in any of my recipes.

• Hefeweisens are German-style wheat beers that are cloudy and fruity. Many … choose to add a slice of lemon or orange to this style.

I am not a big fan of fruit beers.  I am even less a fan of fruit IN my beer.  Especially if I order a beer at a bar, and they add it without even asking if that is what I prefer.  Tony will likely disagree with me for this particular viewpoint, but….

People choose to do this with current Hefeweisens because they think it is the “cool” thing to do.  It just seems out of place for a style that often has banana and clove notes due to the yeast that is used.  It is a flavor clash, IMO, and fewer would unthinkingly ruin their beer with fruit if it weren’t shoved down our throats by the marketing giants of Miller-Coors (Blue Moon) and AB-Inbev (Hoegaarden).  Stop the madness sheeple!!!

• If lagers are more your style, think about a bock or a pilsner.

Sure.  Hop right on that, new first-time brewers.  Notice that the authors make no mention here of the need for temperature control in the 35-45°F range.  Go right ahead, oh young brewer, and brew a CAP (Classic American Pilsner) or a Traditional Bock at any time of year… at room temperature… and report back to me.  It may not be a vomit-inducing experience, but it will definitely NOT taste like the beer you intended to make.

Once again, a lack of research, or incomplete research does more harm than good with this series of articles.  These guys appear to have skimmed the holy grail of non-sourced material out there (Wikipedia), or they used the same researchers that Alton Brown did for “Good Eats”.  I promised myself I wouldn’t cuss, but really, this is just piss-poor.  I question whether these two have actually brewed before, much less brewed a batch of beer that did not smell of feet and taste of moldy yogurt.

In two weeks, they cover equipment and brewing a batch of English Bitter.  This should be fun.  My BJCP hat will be on to critique their recipe (which I guarantee will be just a Brewer’s Best kit beer…not that there is anything wrong with that…).

Really “Keg Lines” guys, you may never see this post… and your damned paper won’t allow commenting on your article…but just in case, make sure you actually do some research before your next article.

We want to bring more people into the hobby, not set them up to fail.

We want to promote our local businesses, not gloss over their existence.

We want coherent, well thought out writing with the correct nomenclature.

Is this too much to ask?

For related articles in this series, please see: Is this really how you brew??? and Bi-weekly rant on the Democrat & Chronicle

Well, my desktop computer has become “an unstable environment”. It seriously is moodier and has more issues than a high school cheerleading squad.

Unfortunately, this means that the last three recipes and brewdays will have to wait to be posted until I get a new harddrive, or at least get all of my data off the old one.

In the meantime, I wanted to mention an article that ran in the local paper here in Rochester. They have a bi-weekly column called “Keg Lines”, written by two local gents that proclaim to love all things beer (yet more often than not, their article sounds like a big shill for High Falls/Genessee Brewing…really, Dundee Honey Lager wins in a blind test over Stone IPA????…).

Sorry for the digression. The article in question was a quick and dirty primer about how to start up in homebrewing.

I have a few issues with some of the claims and omissions in this article:

• “So long as you are 21 years of age and older, do not brew more than 100 gallons per adult in the house each year and do not sell the beer you make, you are in the clear.”

This is not entirely true. Yes, the Federal government did set about a 100 gallon limit. However, this is not an ever-increasing tally for each adult in the household. You cannot pack a house full of 5 adults, and legally brew 500 gallons per year. The limits state explicitly that it is 100 gallons per annum for an adult of legal age in YOUR LOCALITY, or 200 gallons per household. Also, homebrewing might be legal on a federal level, but as with most things alocohol related, the Feds have left the decision whether to allow homebrewing largely up to the states themselves. Utah recently became one of the last hold-out states to legalize homebrewing. There are still a of states that outright prohibit brewing beer in the home, such as Alabama, Iowa, Kentucky, Mississippi, Ohio, and Oklahoma . Other states limit the strength of the beer that homebrewers are allowed to make (South Carolina with its insane alcohol cap at 5.5% for homebrew). And other states still whose laws are murky and non-committal like Louisiana, New York, Maine, Nevada, New Hampshire and New Mexico, where the law neither explicitly allows or disallows brewing in the home and said laws are largely untested. (Note, some of the legality information was taken from Homebrewing Is Illegal which seems like some items may be a tough out of date).

The bottom line here is this: Check with local and state statutes to make sure you really are “in the clear” when it comes to homebrewing.

• It turns out it is cheaper to make your own brew once you have invested in all the necessary equipment

Really? This might be true if you never upgrade your equipment, move to larger batch sizes, only brew all grain by mashing your grains yourself rather than using extracts, and you buy all of your ingredients online in bulk.

Take, for instance a standard alcohol level (6%abv) batch of India Pale Ale: Brewing with extract, this batch can easily cost $78.20 to produce 48 bottles… or $39.10 per case. There are many micro-brewed beers to be had at or below this price. That isn’t to mention that a “cube” of the common offender beers (Bud/Miller/Coors/Genny) costs around $16 for a case of 30 cans. Yes, we are comparing apples to Brussels sprouts here, but the ppoint is that the Keg Lines guys are setting potential new brewers up with a false expectation that they can brew and drink cheaper after the initial startup costs (about $150 for equipment alone), which just ain’t gonna happen.

In slight contrast, if I brew a similar recipe at the same alcohol level by bashing my own grains (all grain), the batch would cost around $53 buying the ingredients as needed. The cost drops to $32 if I plan ahead and purchase bulk grains and hops online…That still works out to the same cost as one of those ubiquitous “cubes”, which don’t take 6 hours out of a Saturday and i don’t have to wait for 6 weeks for a “cube to be ready to drink.

I won’t even get into equipment upgrade/replacement costs. Let’s just say that Stainless Steel or Aluminum kettles are expensive. Glass fermenters are expensive. Trips to the ER for cutting yourself on one of the aforementioned glass fermenters when you drop it runs $50 if you have good insurance (this does not cover rehab for possible damaged nerves, btw).

Hobbies are NOT cheap. We do not brew to save money. We brew because it is something we enjoy doing. It is one of the few hobbies that will provide you with something tangible at its’ conclusion…. And for the women out there, you know where we are and that we are safe (unlike certain sports, boating, cycling, and any extreme sports). OK, moving on now…

• So if you really like summer beers year-round but can’t find them in the store in December

Just a small gripe with this one. Apparently, these guys have never been to Beers of the World. You can very easily get out of season beers there. Maybe even the summer beers from last year. A reminder to beer consumers, look at the labels for “born on” dates, or “Best by:” dates. If they don’t have one and the bottle is dusty, keep moving (unless it is a strong ale, barleywine, or imperial stout…then buy them and send them to me. I will give you my address)

• A good place to start would be to pick up some literature. Designing Great Beers by Ray Daniels…

Wrong!!!! A beginning brewer will not learn much of anything behind processes and why we do things when and how we do them by reading this book. If any of you reading this decide to start homebrewing, save this book for later in your career, when you decide it is time to begin devising your own recipes. That is the main strength and point of “Designing Great Beers”, and it has served me very well every time I want to delve into a new style. Sadly, though it does not cover Belgian style beers, Sours or Lambics. For those, check out “Brew Like a Monk”, by Stan Hieronymus.

The authors do go on to suggest “The New Complete Joy of Homebrewing”, by Charlie Papazian, which actually is a decent introduction to homebrewing. It is fairly light-hearted, though I found Charlie’s attempts at humor a touch distracting and glib at times. The major points are hit upon in this book, and it covers all levels of homebrewing, from straight extract kits to triple decoction mashing.

An even better starting reference book that I recommend to everyone is “How to Brew”, by John Palmer. Not only is the 3rd edition of this book available in print, but the 1st edition may be found for free at http://howtobrew.com/. The print version, 3rd edition is slightly updated with some malt and hop information, but the online version is still very relevant, and more up to date than Charlie P.’s seminal tome.

Lastly, there are numerous books with just recipes for homebrewing. One to keep an eye out for is “Brewing Classic Styles”, by Jamil Zanaisheff and John Palmer. Jamil is the current “internet darling” homebrewer, having won many many awards at the national level. This book is basically filled with his own award winning recipes…every style. He has won that many ribbons.

• So, Keg Line guys, where do I buy equipment and supplies???

Yeah, the Keg Lines article definitely dropped the ball on this one. The Rochester area has two homebrew stores (ok, 3, but one of them is a satellite store). Most every other week, these guys shill for Genessee brewing company, I would hope under the guise of helping local commerce and not because they are on the dole. Yet, the one chance they have to truly promote local business, they fail.

Beers of the World in the Winton Plaza, Brighton, NY has the most experience in the area as a homebrew supply store. True, their main focus is in selling actual beer, but all of the guys there brew at home and are willing to help out and provide insight and guidance to newbies.

Sunset Hydroponics is the other local homebrew shop (LHBS in parlance). These guys are working into the homebrewing arena. They first started carrying supplies for homebrewing in 2007, and as time has gone on, they have taken suggestions for inventory and presentation from local brewers. These guys have an online store, something that Beers of the World does NOT have at the moment. Disregard their spelling errors, please. Their prices are decent both online and in-store. Plus, for anyone in the Rochester area, Sunset Hydro allows you to purchase your grain in fractional amounts. That means that if your recipe calls for only 1/4 pound of a certain grain, you can buy just what you need. Beers of the World, while a great shop, requires you purchase in full pound increments… then you and 3/4 pound of a grain you may or may not need for the next 6 months or more.

Those are my gripes with the article. I am waiting to see what the article covers next week with ingredients and styles to brew. I am sure I will have another diatribe by Tuesday evening.

I understand they are getting new brewers into the fold. I am completely fine with that, in fact, if they can increase members to the local club (Upstate New York Homebrewer’s Association), then kudos to them. What I am not okay with are the glaring omissions and errors and partial information that they are starting people out with. It’s like watching Alton Brown’s “Good Eats” brewing episode, only in print format.

Well, that’s about the end of that rant. We have a busy weekend, visiting some friends and brewing a batch on Sunday before we return home for the normal daily grind. Until we return, brew well and drink wisely.