Is this really how you brew???

For related articles in this series, please see: A rant and farewell to my computer and Bi-weekly rant on the Democrat & Chronicle

I did not want to read the paper today.  I knew deep within my bones that doing so would raise my blood pressure to near-fatal stroke levels.  You see, it has been two weeks since the last “Keg Lines” article ran in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle.  I posted a pretty lengthy rant about the inconsistencies within the “How to Get Into Homebrewing” article.  The authors left the end of the article fairly open ended, as there is a lot of information to cover.  This week, they were to cover the possible ingredients that one can use to brew beer at home.  There are only four main ingredients.  How badly could they possibly screw it up, right?

I broke down and read today’s “Keg Lines” installment after brewing cohort Joel walked into my office shaking his head in disbelief.  He knew I had not read it straight away, as my ears had not yet turned red and neither was I convulsing in fits of rage.

Did you know that if you /facepalm while shaking your head that you run the risk of breaking your own nose?  Yeah, this was that bad.  So, following the postulation/retort format from last week, here we go:

• Sugar plus hops, yeast and water equals beer

This is not good. This is the title of the article, and already I am enraged. Really, really enraged.  I can see poor college kids already buying Fleischmann’s cake yeast and table sugar at Wegmans and an ounce of hops from one of the local homebrew shops that still remain unnamed in the article, throwing it in an empty unwashed milk jug and wondering why it tastes of toe jam, vomit, and apple cider.

Let me say this now.  Beer utilizes four main ingredients: hops, water, yeast and MALT!!!

• …there are four basic ingredients that are widely accepted as being necessary to make beer: sugar (mostly created from malted barley), hops, yeast and water.

Yeah, they try to redeem themselves here.  It does not work, frankly.  Yes, it is true that malted barley is the premier grain used in the the production of beer.  However, other malted grains are commonly used, which fall into the whole “Malt” category.  These would be Rye, Wheat, and Oats.

Other nonmalted grains are often used as well for flavor, head retention, and to lighten the body.  These would include unmalted versions of barley, wheat, Oats, Maize (some call it corn), and rice.

The “sugar” that these guys are trying to convey are the maltose that is extracted from the aforementioned grains through a process called mashing.  Without getting too in-depth, this involves steeping or soaking malted and crushed grains in water at a temperature between 140°F and 165°F for a prescribed length of time.  This steeping process will allow enzymes within the grains to convert the internal starches within the grains from starch into fermentable sugars (maltose) and less fermentable sugars (maltodextrins).  The more maltose present at the end of the mashing process, the more fermentable the beer will be.  Increased Maltodextrin (less fermentable) sugar chains present at the end of the mash, the more body and residual sweetness will be in the finished beer.

• Malts, as well as several of the ingredients we discuss in this column, are available to order online or at some local stores around town…

Really??  We have local stores that sell homebrewing supplies? What are their names, and where might they be located? Are there any such stores in nearby cities that might also carry homebrewing supplies?  Remember, think globally, buy locally.  Rochester’s economy won’t better itself without some help.  After all, you are the same guys that plug High Falls/Genessee every chance you get…with honorable mentions to Custom Brewcrafters, and even fewer instances where you even mutter the name of seminal local craft brewery: Rohrbach, are you not?

You are leaving new brewers with incomplete and inadequate information with which to start on their quest to this great hobby.

• Beers of the World is probably the best known homebrew supply shop within the Rochester metro area.  The guys there are super helpful, and they are willing to order special grains for you if you need something they do not carry, and you give them adequate time.
• Sunset Hydroponics is an up-and-comer in the homebrewing arena.  Their selection is pretty similar to Beers of the World, though they have the added bonus of allowing partial pound ordering of grains. They also have a grain mill in store for you to grind your grains there, should you not have a mill at home.  Their primary focus is still the hydroponics business, and their brewing knowledge might not be quite up to snuff, but they are trying.
• Niagara Tradition Homebrew Supply in Buffalo is a nice little shop that packs a truckload of ingredients, supplies and other odds and ends into a tiny shop.  I’ve been to their retail location a couple of times, and was impressed with the overall friendly atmosphere, selection and helpfulness shown towards an average schmoe off the streets (me).  I believe they also extend the 10% discount for UNYHA members, though you would have to visit in person or phone in your order to take advantage.

See?  That wasn’t difficult to do, was it?  My credibility has not suffered.  I am not selling out to corporate interest.  I am attempting to help those businesses that can best help us become brewers.

• Hops tend to be quite bitter, so this works nicely to add flavor and aroma to the beer.

• …there are several choices for hops that will give a beer a distinct flavor and aroma.

So, bitter is a flavor and aroma now?  Bitter is perceived on the tongue, though it is more of a mouthfeel…. You feel your tongue react to bitterness more than you actually taste bitter.

Here’s the straight poop:  Hops are added at various times throughout the boiling process that occurs after mashing and straining the grains.  The longer that the hops are in the boiling wort (beer without yeast), the more bitterness that is extracted from them.  Beer is generally boiled for 60 to 90 minutes. Hops added at the start of the boil will provide a majority of your bitterness.  This is due to many of the delicate flavor and aroma components being driven off by the extended boiling process.  Flavor and aroma are controlled by delicate oils and chemicals within the hop flower, and are very volatile in the sense that they are destroyed easily.

If you were to add hops with between 30 to 10 minutes left in the boil, you will extract a majority of your hop flavor.  You will also extract some bittering properties, however, this bitterness extraction is not as efficient as if the same hops were added at the beginning.

Hops added between 10 and 0 minutes left in the boil will also provide flavor, and lessening bitterness.  Their main advantage is the extraction of aroma compounds to the beer.  The more hops that you add during this time period, the more citrusy, spicy and even piney your beer will smell.

Every hop variety has its own strengths as to which component it would be best contributing to your beer.  Some varieties are multi-purpose, some are best at simply bittering, and still others are prized for the aroma or flavor they will provide.  The hop variety data book at Hop Union is a fantastic reference point for what hops will work best for a particular style, what hops you can use in a particular variety’s place, and other notes and average data for that variety.

• We recommend that you always boil the water you are going to use for homebrewing to rid it of any chlorine or other unwanted chemicals.

Let’s not get the cart before the horse here.  Check with your local water authority, and ask for a current report of your tap water.  If you are on a well, you should get your water tested, especially if you think Iron is present (Iron will make your beer taste like blood, which I cannot imagine is even remotely palatable).  Homebrewing reference books will be able to help a moderately inclined homebrewer modify their water chemistry with the use of certain brewing salts, such as Gypsum, in order to get the proper chemistry.

If you are truly concerned, simply buy distilled or Reverse Osmosis water from a local retailer, and use your homebrewing reference books and published tables of famous brewing water (Munich, Edinburgh, Rochester) to “build” your water up from scratch.

• Porters are much darker and have roasted barley, which gives it a smoky smell and taste.

Um…yeah.  This is an ongoing debate on many homebrewing forums, so I won’t beat them up too much on the inclusion of roasted barley in a porter.  One camp in the debate claims that it is not a porter unless it uses Black Patent malt.  Another camp will state that if the beer contains roasted barley, then it is automatically a stout.  The last camp are the non-style oriented and will tell you that the beer is whatever the hell the brewer wants to call it.  I am not aligned firmly with any particular argument.

Oh, and too much roasted barley will make your beer taste like a wet ashtray.  I guess that would be a smoky smell and taste, though not one I strive for in any of my recipes.

• Hefeweisens are German-style wheat beers that are cloudy and fruity. Many … choose to add a slice of lemon or orange to this style.

I am not a big fan of fruit beers.  I am even less a fan of fruit IN my beer.  Especially if I order a beer at a bar, and they add it without even asking if that is what I prefer.  Tony will likely disagree with me for this particular viewpoint, but….

People choose to do this with current Hefeweisens because they think it is the “cool” thing to do.  It just seems out of place for a style that often has banana and clove notes due to the yeast that is used.  It is a flavor clash, IMO, and fewer would unthinkingly ruin their beer with fruit if it weren’t shoved down our throats by the marketing giants of Miller-Coors (Blue Moon) and AB-Inbev (Hoegaarden).  Stop the madness sheeple!!!

• If lagers are more your style, think about a bock or a pilsner.

Sure.  Hop right on that, new first-time brewers.  Notice that the authors make no mention here of the need for temperature control in the 35-45°F range.  Go right ahead, oh young brewer, and brew a CAP (Classic American Pilsner) or a Traditional Bock at any time of year… at room temperature… and report back to me.  It may not be a vomit-inducing experience, but it will definitely NOT taste like the beer you intended to make.

Once again, a lack of research, or incomplete research does more harm than good with this series of articles.  These guys appear to have skimmed the holy grail of non-sourced material out there (Wikipedia), or they used the same researchers that Alton Brown did for “Good Eats”.  I promised myself I wouldn’t cuss, but really, this is just piss-poor.  I question whether these two have actually brewed before, much less brewed a batch of beer that did not smell of feet and taste of moldy yogurt.

In two weeks, they cover equipment and brewing a batch of English Bitter.  This should be fun.  My BJCP hat will be on to critique their recipe (which I guarantee will be just a Brewer’s Best kit beer…not that there is anything wrong with that…).

Really “Keg Lines” guys, you may never see this post… and your damned paper won’t allow commenting on your article…but just in case, make sure you actually do some research before your next article.

We want to bring more people into the hobby, not set them up to fail.

We want to promote our local businesses, not gloss over their existence.

We want coherent, well thought out writing with the correct nomenclature.

Is this too much to ask?

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