“Just throw the damn towel, Rocky”

I am done.

I quit.

I just cannot devote any more of my time and energy into these guys.  Really. I am through.  And trust me, it’s not me…it’s them in an incredible turn-around on an old cliche break up line.

For the love of all that is right and just in this world, they reviewed three beers from the G. Heilman / Pabst Brewing Co., as if they were the greatest thing to have been made with barley, water, yeast, and a total of 4 hop pellets per batch.  All three of these beers are rated with an average of a C on Beer advocate.  This is the same company that produces such winning beverages as Colt 45 (see what  happens when you sell your soul to the Empire, Lando???),  Champale: a malt liquor so heinous I can’t even find an old commercial or worthwhile graphic for it on the interwebs, and Lone Star: the very essence of Texas if you like to drink fermented cowboy pee that has been mixed with water from Galveston Bay, then run across the back of one of the fine ladies at the Oceanside Cabaret and into your glass….

hold on a moment….. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…

Ok, all better.  And by the way, steak is much better the first time.

My point being here is that these guys have latched onto the “hipster” crowd.  PBR is what the cool kids are drinking in dive bars across the country because it is very retro in the red, white, and blue can, cheap as all get-out, and well… after 3 or 4 you can’t taste the distinct canned vomit flavor anymore.  It is widely consumed by 21-35 year old douchbags that think they are “retro-cool”, wearing their douchebag Ed Hardy t-shirts, and walking around thinking that they are sexier than “The Situation” (whoever the Hell that is.. I just read a passing mention of that asshat on Yahoo the other day)

Mmmm, sign me up for this fun ride.  “Drink Beer! Alienate your friends and make people hate you for being a schmuck”

So, I am done ranting about the beer guys.  This has become an instance of mind over matter.  I no longer mind, because they no longer matter.

***Management reserves the right to rescind this proclamation at any time***

So, now we get to the meat of the article here.  I have been lax and neglectful of my beer writing duties here this summer.  This does NOT, however, mean that I have not been brewing on some of the hottest days of the year.  (We artists must suffer for our art, you know…).  So, I guess to begin, I should mention the Blonde Ale I brewed for SWMBO… I mean,  my loving and ever-caring wife, Stacie.

As mentioned on my last post regarding America’s love of eating, drinking and “blowin’ shit up”, the 4th of July holiday would be incomplete if it did not involve some form of alcohol.  I had decided when I wrote the last post that I had just enough grain left in-house to brew Scream Queen/ Gentlemen Prefer a Blonde.  I was almost close, so i had to improvise.  This is what was brewed on July 5th, 2010 (with notes pertaining to substitutions):

• 4.62lbs Optic Pale malt (was supposed to be 7lbs, but I estimated poorly)
• 2lbs Vienna Malt
• 1lb British Mild malt (not called for in the original recipe)
• 1lb Flaked Rye (not called for in original recipe, preferable to flaked wheat due to less haze)
• 1/4lb Light Munich (again, not called for in original)
• Mashed at 150*F for an hour
• 1oz whole Willamette hops added at 60 mins (5.5%AA, homegrown)
• 1/2oz Whole Willamette hops added at 15 mins (5.5%AA homegrown)
• 1/2oz whole Willamette hops added at flameout (5.5%AA homegrown)
• 11g sachet of Safale S-05 dry yeast
• OG was 1.043 (same as calculated at 69% efficiency)
• color was very light straw… almost toe-headed
• IBU are around 27

The Mash and boil went smoothly, although I sparged quicker than I probably should have.  The sparge ran for 35 minutes, rather than the normal 60.  Had I slowed the runoff down a bit, we probably could have hit 75% efficiency on this batch.  We let this do its thing in primary until bottling it on 20 July.  This proved to be a pretty refreshing beer, considering the potpourri of grains that went into it in a CYA moment.  Most impressed, and likely to try this recipe version out again in the near future.

Throughout the month of July, I noticed an alarming and disturbing trend with some of the batches that were bottled in May, June, and early July…. they all seemed “off”, and were overcarbonating and had varying off-flavors.  Lost to the drinking public were the second batch of Great Potato Famine, the June batch of Hippy Bro, and the club brewoff Chocolate-Coconut Porter (batch one in the link).  Of undetermined health is the www.ipa.com beer that was brewed also with the Hippy Bro.

I think the issue with the spoiled batches is tainted racking tubing.  I started having issues with bad batches after I racked the Flanders Red Ale at the end of May.  I deep-sixed the racking cane and hose, and I am hoping that will do the trick (along with a “shock and awe” cleaning/sanitizing of all my fermentation gear).

This weekend past, I also had occasion to brew our annual Russian Imperial Stout: aka Romanov Family Portrait (fka Vlad and Joe’s Rockin’ Imperial Stout).  I was not sure I would get this one done, as I had a bunch of things to do on my “list”.  I woke up early on Sunday morning, mowed a majority of the lawn and decided that the beautiful weather was just calling for a brew-session.  Following is the beer we brewed on 8/1/2010:

• 20lbs Maris Otter
• 2lbs Flaked Oats
• 2lbs Chocolate Malt
• 1lb Roasted Barley
• 1/2lb Cara-Amber
• 1/2lb Cara-Aroma
• 1/2lb Dark Crystal (about 130*L)
• Mashed at 153 for about an hour

the boil was a special instance of splitting and condensing the sugars.  Due to kettle limitations, I am only able to collect 6.5 gallons of wort safely for the boil.  This recipe required that I collect nearly 8 gallons for the 2 hour boil.  I collected my main boil volume (6.5 gallons) in my normal kettle, then I ran off an additional 2 gallons and boiled that kettle separate… just turned the burner on and walked away for 2 hours.  In the “main” kettle containing 6.5 gallons, I added the following hops:

• 1/2oz Nugget pellets at 90 minutes (13%AA)
• 1oz Perle pellets at 60 mins (8.8%AA)
• 1oz Perle pellets at 30 mins (8.8%AA)
• 1-1/2oz Willamette whole hops at 20 mins (5.5%AA, homegrown)
• 2oz Willamette whole hops at flameout (5.5%AA, homegrown)
• 1/3 gallon straight yeast harvested from the brewoff porter and the Hippy Bro batches
• OG: 1.109 *vs a calculated OG of 1.122
• color:  light shall never pass through this liquid
• IBU: 112

This was another good brewday.  The sun was unrelenting, though there was a nice breeze.  I did manage to wrench my back when picking the cooler-tun from the ground to table height (deadlifting 115 pounds by one’s self is hitherto deemed unwise in any situation).  The yeast managed to kick right in within 6 hours of pitching into the wort.  This will primary for at least 4 weeks, then it will go into secondary until I decide it is ready.

I don’t have any more brewing on the immediate radar.  August is a pretty jam-packed month, so I likely will not have the time to brew.  I do need to try to get that Hippy Bro done again so we can present it to our friends, but aside from that, I’ve got nothin’….

Until next time, please live well, drink safe,

Oh, and Brew Guys, I have boxed up your clothes, curling irons and Duran Duran tapes and left them outside.  Please pick them up.  I am through with you.

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