Bi-weekly rant on the Democrat & Chronicle

For previous articles, please see: A rant and farewell to my computer and Is this really how you brew???

Once again, I was hoping it wouldn’t happen.  I awoke this morning with a gnawing, burning feeling deep in the pit of my stomach.

It was Tuesday.

It was time for the bi-weekly “Keg Lines” article in the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle.

I was willing to actually give this week a fair shake when I first read the article.  Firstly, they were supposed to be writing about what equipment is needed and how to brew an English Bitter, as mentioned at the end of their last article.  Fantastic!  It’s pretty difficult to screw up kettles and fermenters and sanitation and how to brew what is most likely a beer kit that involves no weighing of the sugar… sorry, grain, hops, or yeast.

Second, when I first read the article this morning I was not even close to fully awake.  These damned long weekends with their wall-to-wall sunshine and seemingly endless consumption of that liquid elixir we all love (that would be beer if you aren’t keeping track) really take their toll on a person.  I was happy to be in the office for at least 8 hours of peace and quiet, but I digress…

My point is, my brain was not yet firing on that crucial 4th cylinder.  I felt like a vintage Volkswagen bus climbing a 2% grade.  I was not ready to view the world yet.  I was in a kind and forgiving mood.

I was forced to read the article a second time at lunch, after Joel and Tony expressed astonishment that I had not yet become a raving lunatic.

Once again, I shook my head.  Then I felt the bile rise up my gullet and was forced to stifle the shrill screams of one that has just been raped from the inside out…. My brain hurt once again.

Let’s deconstruct this decomposing pile of “journalism”:

• First and foremost, you’ll need to make sure everything is as clean as possible.

Ok, there isn’t much I can complain about here.  Cleanliness is very important in brewing.  I would argue that anything used for brewing before the boil (mash tuns and paddles) or during the boil (kettles, hop bags and brew spoons) need only be not coated with crap from the prior brew.  Anything used to touch or contain the beer after the boil (funnels, strainers and fermenters, bottling buckets, wine thieves/turkey basters, tubing and clamps… oh and bottles and caps as well) needs to be sanitized.  More on this in 3…2…1…

• Hot, soapy water generally does the trick, although folks sometimes add a small amount of chlorine to the water as a disinfectant.

Good, sweet 8 lb, 7oz Baby Jesus!  If you look towards the moon this evening, you will plainly see my head orbiting our planet’s sole rocky satellite.  Here is the deal:

1. Soap is what is known as a “head killer”.  Unless very thoroughly rinsed off with tap water that is commonly thought of as “not sanitary enough for brewing”, left-over soap scum will kill the head retention on your beer quicker than ants under a magnifying glass.
2. The only “soap” I use in any of my equipment is the occasional 24 hour soak in PBW or OxyClean Free.  Even then, I only use these on my fermenters and rinse the bejeebus out of them.
3. Uh.. chlorine is already added to tap water as a “disinfectant”… they mean that some people add Clorox bleach to the water.  This is not a good idea unless you use the proper concentration to avoid…

• While this (ed: adding chlorine) is perfectly safe with proper rinsing, you run the risk of creating a beer that smells like your swimming pool.

A very slight redemption for our local jesters, Adam Travis and Bryan Clutz. I really have no qualm with this particular claim.  I erroneously once used a too-strong solution of bleach water and then did not rinse adequately.  I ended up with 5.25 gallons of a beautifully clear Blonde ale that tasted and smelled like the local YMCA pool.  I forced every last bottle of that batch down my gullet to teach myself a lesson…. and no, I did not drink them all at once.

• Several homebrewing supply companies make a sanitizer that does the job without contributing off flavors or smells.

Great!  Perhaps in your research you might have actually, you know, written down what these sanitizing products might be? Exactly what pieces of equipment need to be sanitized?  To fill in the gaps for these two yahoos:

1. You will need to sanitize any equipment that will come into contact with the wort after boiling, and after it ferments into beer.  This includes (but may not be limited to): Racking canes and tubing, funnels, strainers, wine thief/turkey baster, your fermenter, bottling buckets, bottles, bottle caps, hose clamps/shutoff clamps, Airlocks and bungs/stoppers…
2. Iodophor is an Iodine based sanitizing product that is a true “no rinse” sanitizer.  One capful of the sanitizer is added to 5 gallons of cool water.  The recommended contact time for this solution is 3 minutes, and after mixing with water it will remain effective for about 24 hours.
3. Star San is an acid-based sanitizer that is also a true “no rinse” product.  1 oz of Star San mixed into 5 gallons of water will only require a 1 minute contact time to thoroughly sanitize your fermenter.  A mixed solution of Star San can be retained and will be effective until the pH rises above 3.0.  This sanitizer will create a good amount of foam as you are pouring water on top of it, and dumping the solution out of your fermenter or bottling bucket.
4. Acidified bleach solution.  This was promoted as the most effective sanitizer a while back.  The story here is that a straight-up bleach and water solution is too high in pH to be truly effective (around pH=12 I seem to remember).  In order to bring this down to a more acceptable range, it is mixed with an acidifying agent… most commonly White Vinegar.  In order to avoid making Mustard Gas in your bathroom or kitchen, this should be mixed as follows:

• add 1/4cup bleach into the empty vessel to be sanitized
• pour 5 gallons of cold water into the vessel to fully mix the bleach in
• add 1/4cup White Vinegar and mix well.

Sanitation should occur within 10 to 20 minutes, which is quite a bit longer than either Star San or Iodine-based solutions.  The advantage to acidified bleach, however is that it will kill damned near anything that is in your fermenter/bucket, or anything that you place in there for ancillary sanitation.  A very good article that is referenced on numerous brewing forums was actually originally published by the American Society of MicroBiology.

Moving on now:

• First, you’ll need a large brew kettle that holds at least 5 gallons. We recommend a stainless steel stock pot. Do yourself a favor and buy a high quality one;

Actually, do yourself a favor and buy yourself not only a 5 gallon kettle, but also a larger kettle.  Even better, buy a 5 gallon kettle along with a turkey fryer kit that will come with a burner and a 7.5 gallon kettle.  This will allow you to perform a full wort boil of between 6 and 7 gallons, and thus increase the efficiency of your hops (and lower the amount of hops needed, which = more money for beer!!!)  Let’s face it; this is a hobby, and like all hobbies, we will always be upgrading our equipment, tailoring it to our needs.  You will want that 7.5 gallon kettle eventually, just buy it at the beginning.

• A good thermometer is also essential. If your wort is too hot when you add the yeast in, you could kill it.

This is very true.  However, long before you get to pitching the yeast (the ever so technical step above of “add the yeast in”), you need to make sure that any grain that you steep or mash remains within a particular temperature range commonly held to not exceed 170°F.  To allow your grains to broach this temperature, or even to boil, will extract harsh mouth-puckering tannin astringency that will NOT age out of your beer no matter how much yeast you add, living or dead.

• Next you’ll need a fermenter. … for your first batch, you’ll be just fine with two large buckets and tight-fitting lids. One bucket will be used for the primary fermentation, the second for the secondary fermentation before bottling.

Again, this is largely true.  In the grand scheme of things, though, you will not often require a bucket or carboy for a secondary fermentation.  A majority of beer styles just do not require a secondary, and to use them at this stage as a very new brewer — before your processes and sanitation procedures are second nature — is to invite oxidized beer or an infection.  Standard strength ales (alcohol content of 2-6% abv) don’t need a secondary.  Lager, Pale Ales, IPAs, and fruit beers will need a secondary, as will high alcohol brews such as Barleywine, Imperial Stouts, and many of the e’er popular Belgian styles.

• Some of the more serious homebrewers out there invest in a wort chiller, a coil of copper tubing that connects to your sink and uses cold water to cool the wort as it’s transferred to the fermenter.

What they describe here in the mechanics is an Immersion style wort chiller.  Then they explain how a Counterflow wort chiller works.  Semantics, I know, but it sounds scary to a new brewer that you have to chill your beer AS it is being transferred to the fermenter.

1. An Immersion wort chiller is a coil of copper (some are Stainless Steel) that is placed inside the boiling kettle to chill the wort.  One end of the chiller connects to the sink or garden hose.  The other end is the effluent side, which is allowed to flow either down the drain or onto the ground, or for the more eco-friendly brewer, this water is reclaimed for cleaning and sanitation operations or even for the next brew (if you are brewing back-to-back batches).
2. A counter flow wort chiller involved snaking uncoiled copper into a garden hose.  The wort is pumped through the copper in one direction and into the waiting (and sanitized!!!) fermenter, while cold water is run through the hose in the opposite direction.  This style of chiller could be used in a gravity-fed manner, though it is simplified and more brewer-friendly if food grade pumps are used to push the wort through the copper.

• Unless you’re using a fancier fermenter with some sort of spigot or filling nozzle, you’ll want to pick up a bottle bucket and a bottle filler

The “Fancier fermenter” they would be referring to would be a ported Better Bottle.  I am a big fan of Better Bottles. They are lightweight plastic, mainly oxygen impermeable, and allow you the chance to see your beer as it ferments.  I am not a fan of the ported models, as I feel the spigot and racking accessory is horribly overpriced.

I also don’t understand the need for a bottle filler.  Simpler is better, IMHO.  The bottle filler (more commonly known as an Autosiphon) is apparently the way that brewers fill their bottles when they neither understand how basic Physics works, nor how to operate a tubing clamp.  Siphons are easy to start by oneself; you just place the fermenter or bottling bucket on a chair, fill your racking cane and tubing assembly with water, cover one end, close the clamp on the other, place the racking cane end in the beer-filled vessel, open the clamp and place the other end either in the bottling bucket or bottle to be filled.  We don’t need a special gadget with hard to clean internal areas to do it for us.  You can see through the glass of a beer bottle; simply watch the level of beer fill and close the tubing clamp just as the beer reaches the top lip of the bottle.  Now cap the bottle and move on to the next.

• Finally, if you’re really serious about your brew, consider having labels made. There’s a number of websites out there that print customized labels for homebrewers.

Or, you know, use MSPaint and MSWord along with Google Image Search (depending on what you want on the label, turn “Safe Search” to off…)… Or, if you are a little more computer or design savvy, download The Gimp and you can create some rocking designs yourself.

• With Father’s Day just around the corner,

Uh oh.  I think I know what’s coming…

• consider getting Dad a ready-to-use homebrew kit,

Please, please, please!!!! Let them be talking about one of the start kits at Northern Brewer..

• available at many local retailers and online.

I know this isn’t where they are going, but how about a shout out to Beers of the World (new website with a homebrewing section!!!!, btw) or Sunset Hydroponics as local retailers?

I promised myself I wouldn’t cuss.  I promised myself I wouldn’t cry… talk amongst yourselves….. Should we elect Obama to a 2nd term when he is seen in public drinking Coors Light? Discuss…

• Adam started out homebrewing in college using a Mr. Beer homebrew kit, and produced some delicious brews, 2½ gallons at a time…

God Damnit!!! Who the frakkin’ HELL in their right frakkin’ mind would recommend this shitty “system” to new brewers that want to actually brew!  Jesus jumped up Christ! This is like telling someone they can recreate an Emeril Lagasse recipe with a Easy Bake oven!  For the love of all that is good and right in this world, the Mr. Beer kits don’t even instruct you to BOIL the damned wort!!!

Look, go ahead and buy a Mr. Beer kit. Then take the nasty-ass stale f’d-up ingredients and throw them right the Hell out.  Now, go out and buy real Malt Extract (Light or extra light), real hops, and boil a 2.5 gallon batch, cool to yeast pitching temperature, and pitch in a WYeast smack pack, or White Labs vial, or a sachet of Fermentis or Safale dry yeast.

• The most important part of homebrewing is having fun. Relax, experiment, and be prepared for failure. Adam has a bacon-flavored porter in the fermenter

Yes, homebrewing is all about relaxing, experimenting, having fun and appreciating the best hobby ever.  Yes, also be prepared for some failures here and there…. Be especially prepared if the only reading you do about homebrewing is from the Keg Lines articles.

Bacon beer seems to be the “new thing”.  Everyone has their super hyped up IPA with 10 quadrillion IBUs and has been freeze-distilled to 190 proof these days (Brewdog, I am looking at you! ).  Bacon beer, for that matter CAN be done, but you have to prepare the bacon in just the right manner to extract as much of the fat before adding it to the beer…otherwise you have a flat, rancid, rotten waste of good beer and even better bacon.  That is a crime punishable by death in 16 states and at least one province in Canada.  Do I wish them luck in this particular endeavor?  Sure, I want everyone to succeed in their homebrewing exploits.  Do I have any confidence that it will work out? Uhm, have you been following the homebrewing articles these guys are writing?

• Samuel Adams Boston Lager went from the kitchen experiment to World Beer Cup winner in just a few weeks.

Well, shit, I must be doing this whole thing wrong then.  I’ve been brewing since 2005.  Something tells me that Boston Lager took just a smidge longer to win the WBC than just a few weeks.  Hell, it takes at least 3 months just to get approval from the TTB… and that is if you have all the proper information to submit the first time!

Oh, and whatever happened to that English Bitter recipe they promised?  The supreme amount of suck in their article this week must have taken that part right out of their memory banks.

It appears that this will be their last homebrewing related article.  It really is too bad, as I really, truly want to give these guys a chance and see them redeem themselves.  I guess in the end, though, we will have to wait another two weeks and see what gems Adam and Bryan have in store for us then.

In the meantime, please rest assured that my blood pressure registered a very safe 101/67 with a pulse of 75 at one of those pressure test things at the neighborhood Wegmans.

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